I want to kill myself, but I don't want to waste all this potential. A better way to put it, would be that I'm tired of living; MY life, at least. I'm tired of bills, tired of traffic, tired of people, places, things; I'm just fucking tired. On the outside looking in, I probably seem like I have life figured out and for the most part I do. That's partially why it would be dumb for me to end it now. There's at least another 10 years worth of effort left in me; it just doesn't feel like it.
When I was younger, I thought suicide was the coward's way out. As I got older, I realized that I had it backwards. Suicide victims aren't the cowards; it's the ones who go on living. The cowards are the ones who literally have nothing to look forward to tomorrow or any of the days following. The cowards are the ones who broadcast to the world that they're thinking about doing "it," in hopes of reaching someone who will "talk them out of it." The cowards want a fucking medal for being too pussy to, for once, take life into their own hands.
It's funny, because while I'm writing this, I realize I'm a fucking coward. No matter how much I think about doing it; I know I won't. I know how I would do it just in case I change my mind, but chances are I reach that level of success I've always dreamed of and then I'll have the opposite problem. More than likely, I'll obtain everything I've ever wanted in life and struggle to hang on to it due to my fear of losing it all when I die.
Now, before anyone of you flood my social media or phone with half-assed pity posts/texts, please ask yourself this one question:
"Who am I, to persuade another ADULT, to live a life they HATE, just to avoid sadness in MY life?"
This is a quote from one of the greatest beings to ever walk the face of this earth. And that person, is me, because I'm a goddamn poet! I really want you to pay attention to my choice of words, especially the capitalized ones.
First there is "ADULT." I emphasived this word to remind y'all that I'm a grown ass man and I'll do whatever the fuck I want with "MY" life. Even though I've already admitted that I'm just talking out my ass right now, people are still going to try and "persuade" me to live on. Don't bother. I'm not crazy, depressed or have any other mental illness, so if I do decide to kill myself, just know that I was in my right mind. Just assume that I've already presented every possible anti-suicide argument to myself and logic determined that death was the best option for me.
Next major word, is "HATE." If I'm at the point where I hate my life and you are apart of said life, then what makes you think that you're going to be the life-altering factor in my decision? Your "sadness" due to my passing obviously means nothing to me, because I wasn't living for you. If I don't know you at all, then you are even less of a factor. It's weird how so many people can be pro-choice when it comes to a parent killing their child, but a lot of those same people feel like potential suicide victims should relinquish the choice of killing themselves.
Any way, I'll be around for at least another 20 years if I stay away from salt. This rant isn't so much about me as it is about my thoughts on suicide in general. If someone WANTS to die, who are you to stop them? I almost feel like thoughts of suicide are apart of natural selection. I say let evolution do it's thing. By the way, I'm pro-choice; I hate traffic and kids. I say all that to say this; kudos to the suicide heroes who had big enough balls to "put up or shut up." You have earned my respect.
This will be the home of my random thoughts until you really do know the MuffynMan.